July 1, 1811
I cannot believe that it has been a full two years since you left to be at the front. I understand that some regiments are able to get leave, but you are still in Spain. Why can you not get a break from the fighting? I sincerely don’t understand and don’t think it is at all fair.
I received a letter from my trustees. They told me not to worry about my fortune and that all is well. Nothing more. I would very much like to travel to London and see them in person, perhaps then they would understand the seriousness of my wanting to take over some of the responsibilities of the management of my own affairs. Mr. Markham and Tibby are entirely against it however. They feel that being approached by a thirteen year old girl will not serve my own purposes and to be patient.
I must admit to being tired of patience. I have been patient with my investments which has certainly been to good effect, however I don’t want to be patient to manage my own life and fortune anymore and I don’t want to be patient to see you either. The hardest part is I have no choice.
At least I feel more useful everyday. Mr. Markham has been ill of late and I have taken on more of the responsibilities in his stead. I am happy to be able to relieve him of some of the burden which seems to tire him out more and more. He is not a young man as he tells me often, and he is proud of what he has taught me of estate management. My favorite part is when we speak about my father and grandfather and how astounded they would be of my acumen. We have talked about finding an apprentice to him, but he has hesitated since he feels I am actually a much better apprentice than he could find elsewhere.
My latest investment has been extremely profitable and I have over five thousand in the bank. Can you imagine? I could buy my own commission and join you in your regiment! I fear I am not a good enough rider yet to be in a Cavalry regiment however, so I must still be patient.
Today I have more time to make a proper drawing. It is a picture of me writing to you. I have propped up a mirror so that I can replicate my features more faithfully than from memory.
My prayers go with you,
September 2, 1811
I know that you were teasing when you wrote about buying yourself a commission, but do know that this is the last place I would ever wish you to be. Not that I wouldn’t delight in meeting you once more as I am confident you have changed unrecognizably in the past (is it only?) ten years. However, I would never want you to know or see what I have experienced in the past two years. I can only hope you would still see me as honorable and upright for having joined up if you were to also know.
Your letters are the bright spot in my life.
November 10, 2011
Yet another birthday has come! You are officially of age now I guess. I can only hope that this letter finds you well. If you want me to begin to invest some of your own fortune just give permission via your men of business through Mr. Markham (I have become rather adept at replicating his signature as he continues to be quite ill, so no one knows it is a thirteen year old girl with whom they are doing business) and I will take care of the rest.
Nothing much new is happening here in Lincolnshire. Delia Ware has become a regular correspondent and I am grateful that her brother is working with you to keep you both safe. She tells me of some of your exploits second hand through Richard. It seems you have left out a great many details in your letters.
I hesitate to write this next piece of information in a letter, but if I do not ask you, I don’t know whom I can ask. I certainly can’t bring this up to Tibby as she will likely dismiss our kitchen maid Lillian because I think what she was doing was rather naughty. I was in the stable visiting Buttercup in her stall and since I am now so much taller than she I was sitting next to her while I brushed her, so no one else could see I was there. Lillian and one of the under grooms came into the stables, they were laughing about something and then it was silent. I peeked above the stall to see if they had left and they were locked in an embrace that was quite astonishing!
After awhile, during which time both seemed to have to gasp for air, the under groom turned Lillian around to lean against one of the posts and proceeded to lift her skirts. He undid his own trousers and seemed to be shoving a part of him in Lillian’s bum! I could not believe my eyes. She began to groan as if she were in pain and it got louder and louder, but I decided if she were in pain she wouldn’t stay there, would she? She wasn’t being held against her will at any rate and could easily have broken away from the under groom. Then with a great shout she seemed to collapse and then the under groom did much the same thing. After which he let down her skirts and seemed to pat and cuddle her and she enjoyed that part at least.
I want to know what I witnessed and why I got such a funny feeling in my belly by seeing such a thing. You can see now why I cannot ask Tibby about the circumstance. I certainly hope this letter does not fall into hands other than yours!
Yours as ever,
January 24, 1812
I am sorry I have not been able to respond to the last few of your letters. Please do not assume my silence has been due to shock based on the letter you wrote me on my birthday. I will try to explain what you saw, but realize that there is really much more to it but it is all something you will learn when you are married. I expect, being as precocious as you are, you do not find that to be acceptable and will look to find out as much information prior to your marriage as possible. Just know that what you saw Lillian and the under groom do is something that well-bred ladies only do once married.
It is the same process for people as it is for animals to get a man’s seed into a woman’s womb to create a baby. People find it pleasurable and I am pleased to note that the under groom did seem to want Lillian to experience pleasure just as he did. It is not always the case that a man will take such care. It also does not mean that Lillian will automatically conceive a baby after such an experience. This has to do with when Lillian’s monthly courses come (I don’t know how much detail Tibby went into regarding that, or if she herself even knows as she is a spinster).
The important thing to know is that you must guard your virtue and to look for a husband that will take good care to make an experience of love making wonderful for you. That is my wish for you at any rate.
And now, since this lesson is over, I must go.